There's No Place Like Home

I woke up this morning with the strong desire to see my house, my street, my family's minivan, the gigantic hedge that towers over the sidewalk in front. Obviously it will be quite some time before that happens. So, I decided to get creative in order to satisfy my temporary yet very real urge to be home. I had the strange experience of logging onto youtube.com, typing in "microsoft ad + jerry seinfeld" and watching a video clip that showed me all of those things, even if it was only for a brief fleeting moment. My block did not look exactly like I know it: unrealistically pristine, no cars parked on the street, Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld walking down the center of the road. But, it was better than nothing. I began to think about my last few days in Seattle when I was preparing to leave everything I knew, while simultaneously sneaking around to catch another glimpse at someone who I could have sworn looked like Jerry Seinfeld...I remember trying to imagine my new home, packing my favorite clothing items and wondering if they would hold up in the Chilean atmospheric and cultural climate. I was excited, even though I had no idea what for. 

My default image of Chile at that time was heavily influenced by my trips to visit my aunt and uncle in Mexico City. Since people speak Spanish in Mexico, and it was the closest to South America that I had ever gotten, my brain made the leap and deemed the two countries equivalent. I recall the day that my Peruvian uncle broke the news that there would be no tortillas in Chile...I felt a brief, sinking sensation in realizing that I would not be consuming upwards of 12 fresh, supple tortillas a day as I do in Mexico. If they didn't eat tortillas in Chile, what did they eat? Now I know: bread, avocados, seafood, empanadas, raw sliced tomatoes, dulce de leche, tuna fish, rice, french fries, lots of fruit, green beans, gelato, grated carrots, German desserts (in the South), and hot dogs piled high with guacamole, mayo, tomatoes, along with the usual condiments. There are definitely a few foods I miss like lettuce other than ice burg, home-made thin crust pizza, almond butter, whole-wheat rustic bakery bread, and ironically the Mexican-inspired foods that I thought would be so easy to find. One time here I ordered a "burrito," which was a stir fry of cabbage, sprouts, green peas, and carrots atop a flour tortilla...did not hit the spot as I'd hoped. 

However, I have come to love specific Chilean foods and traditions that I plan on taking with me back to the United States. For example, tea at dinner time, a piece of fruit in the evening or after lunch, mote (aromatic drink of peaches, orange rind, and wheat kernels), taking a break in the day for lunch, greeting everyone in the room and not ever leaving without saying goodbye. 

Whenever I think about coming back home, I am instantly filled with a warm cozy feeling of familiarity and comfort. However, I always have to ask myself if that's what I truly want in my life right now. Here I learn new vocabulary, (usually after I awkwardly phrase a sentence and my friends correct me) meet new people, establish new friendships as well as realize how much I value my friends and family in the US, open myself up to a new traditions, and as a result of all this go to bed every night completely exhausted. Since coming to Chile I have never once felt that restless and even slightly irritated sensation that followed me around last year when I thought about all of the world that I was not seeing and new people that I was not meeting. I know that every difficulty I encounter here is making me a better person, so how can I not be thankful for the opportunity to grow and strengthen the essence that makes me who I am? Therefore, even when I am crying about something or feeling overwhelmed by my very dependence on other people, I am grateful. Grateful to my parents for giving me the option to spend even more of their money and go away for the year, grateful to myself for having the guts to go, and grateful to all the people I've met here who think that I'm worth the extra effort it takes to communicate with me. All of my emotions seem to be more heightened due to constant stimulation and slight fatigue that have now replaced the antsy, anticipation I was feeling in Seattle. Given the choice, I'll take the former over the latter, which is exactly what I did and here I am thousands of miles away from home and preparing myself for another 90 degree scorcher on this lovely December day. 

I think emotions like loneliness, frustration, uncertainty, sadness, confusion, and any combination of them are unfairly considered taboo or at least completely independent of happiness and contentment. Yet, it is these sentiments that have helped me have such a rewarding, genuine experience living abroad. Nothing is better motivation to study Spanish than frustration, uncertainty wards off ignorance, sadness forces me admit what I am not getting and need to feel better, and confusion leads to humility and eventually learning. In my experience I find that one emotional extreme is usually closely followed by the other, and in spite of (and perhaps even due to) my dramatic mood shifts I'd like to think of myself as a healthy, balanced individual--or at least heading in that direction. 

I think that this particular entry I wrote for myself more than anyone else. A pep talk, if you will to help me process the wave of mixed emotions I'm swimming in at the moment. Normally I would probably be verbalizing this to my dad or my friend Kat, but since they are not within earshot, I have the unique opportunity to share how I think with some new faces via internet. I would never think to publish my daily life, or in this case my insecurities and struggles under normal circumstances in Seattle. But, being here gives me the excuse to inform anyone who cares about where I am, what I'm doing, and how it's affecting me. I've grown to love this contemporary form of communication, and hopefully it provides a bit of entertainment for anyone whose curious about a little country called Chile, geographically and consequently culturally isolated by ocean, Andes, and ice. Well, can't really think of much else to say to myself at the moment. I think I covered most of my bases and actually do feel more aware and satisfied after writing for an hour or so. Ah, and if you ever have the desire to see my neighborhood as I did this morning, there's the link below. Notice how I unknowingly captured the actors who play the dad and one of the kids in the photo posted above :)

Microsoft Ad Filmed in my Hood