As the semester progressed I obviously noticed little things that bugged me, but they were never enough to make me think about changing houses. My mom is very needy and doesn't have that much to do. Therefore, she insists on organizing my jewelry and always making observations on how much I eat, whether or not I like the food, what kind of mood I'm in, what time I have classes, and things like that. They all come from a good place in her heart and with the intention of helping me, but I am at a point in my life where I feel like it is a little unnecessary and even a little counterproductive.
It wasn't until my dad left for Santiago that I realized how much of a presence he has in this house and that without him, my mom is a little lost. She had to talk herself through basic things like setting the house alarm, because he was always the one to do it. She didn't really ever leave the house because he had always gone with her and she is very distrustful of people that she doesn't know. So, not only was she essentially trapped in her own house, but she had nothing to keep her busy other than cleaning and making lunch, which is not enough to occupy a whole day. Imagine a week of that...I think it took a lot out of her. It certainly made me realize that there was this unspoken dependency on him that I had never noticed before because they usually spend so much time together. The only time that they are apart is when he goes to work on runs an errand and it has been that way for 40 years.
When he got back I was certainly relieved and things were immediately back to normal as they have always been. It wasn't until Marcelo came over on Monday night for a few minutes that I started thinking about my role in this family and whether or not it is a good thing for me.
Over the past few days I have been discovering this network of rules and restrictions placed on my host mom and now me that truly bug me and even get me a little riled up, which is probably not a good thing. The worst part is, they are so ingrained in their lifestyle that I don't discover these limitations until I unknowingly step over them. After that experience of realizing that I had done something completely inappropriate in their (or should I say his) eyes, I started to get really curious about what else is off limits. My mom is really open about her relationship with him and is so in love and happy that she is not at all inhibited when I ask her questions about their marriage.
I have discovered that above all else, Waldemar wants to protect his wife and daughters, which now includes me. However, his way of going about it means shutting us off from anything that could potentially pose a threat of danger. The result is that my mom has very little freedom to do what she wants. At first she told me that her husband is not macho because he has never hit her and he always gives her everything she asks him for. However, I brought up that the fact that he had rules for her were machismo-ish she admitted that was true. By the end of the conversation and we'd gone over all of the limitations he places on her she was telling me that without a doubt he was macho but it was to keep her safe. I understand his intentions I suppose. However, as far as I am concerned, the end does not justify the means. She only studied to be a nurse for a year before he decided that she had to stop and raise their daughters. She can't have any visitors that he doesn't approve of when he is not home. She has never had to do anything on her own, and now she is left with so much free time alone in the house that she resorts to organizing my necklaces and preoccupying herself with my life.
I honestly think that all of the things that bug me about this house relate back to machismo, and I never realized it until now. Even the fact that my mom repeats the same stories over and over again and always ask us how the food tastes is a result of her not having enough else to do because she has always been sheltered by him. She likes to think of herself as a strong person because she is so opinionated, but everything she assumes she knows she has learned from a television program rather than going out into the world and discovering it for herself. Plus, the second he left for Santiago, I could see all of her strength and personality just shrivel up into practically nothing. I was getting really brave today and asked her what she would do if Waldemar died, especially since he is ten years older than her and that it was quite probable that she would be alone at some point in her life. She told me that if he died before her she would die shortly after out of loving him because the pain would be too much.
Wow. I have never been exposed to this kind of relationship and even though there is no doubt that they love each other very much and have for 40 years, it makes me a little sad to hear about how happy she is with her circumstances. She sees what she wants to see in the world so that it falls in line with what she already believes. For instance, she is always warning me how the world is full of dangerous people and that's why she is much better off in her house all day. She tells me that she is really good friends with the director of my exchange program, but when I mentioned it to him he was in disbelief because he has caller ID and doesn't answer her calls because they are never related to foreign exchange students, but rather gossip or a story that she's already called and told him. I think she must get bored during the day so she tries to call him to have someone to talk to. The saddest part for me is that she doesn't even realize how fictional many aspects of her life are, and that ignorance is something I would never want to take away from her because that is what keeps her feeling so lucky to be blessed with the life she lives.
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